Supporting someone you care about who has a dependency or addiction can have an emotional impact on you, and it can be very normal to experience feelings like guilt, shame and stigma. Most people affected by someone’s dependency or addiction will feel like this at some point in their journey, and it’s important to take care of yourself if you find yourself feeling this way.
Here we explore why you might feel guilt, shame or stigma, and how you can feel more supported as you navigate those difficult times.
Understanding carer’s guilt
People who support someone who has an addiction or dependency can often experience feelings of guilt. Guilt might arise from believing themselves responsible for the dependency. They might blame themselves for not noticing the signs earlier, or for not being able to prevent the dependency from developing. They might feel guilty for setting boundaries or for seeking help, fearing the person they care about might think they are abandoning them. Some people say they feel guilty because at times they wish the whole situation would just stop.
These are all completely natural responses to a hugely stressful and difficult situation, and if you feel guilt or have thoughts like these, you are not alone in feeling like this. Even if it has been hard for you to see yourself as a carer up till this point, our article on carer’s guilt will provide more insight into why you might feel this way, and what you can do to support yourself in the midst of it.
Ways to manage feelings of guilt when affected by someone’s dependency
The first step to manage feelings of guilt is to remind yourself that you are not responsible for the choices or behaviour of the person you care for. Sometimes it’s impossible to understand someone else’s experience, but telling yourself that they are on their own journey, and that the possibility for them to make new choices and to seek help always exists, can help to bring you some relief.
Sometimes the person you care about might use certain words or behaviours to make you feel guilty or to make you do something. Remembering that this is their addiction in action can help you be firm in setting and maintaining clear boundaries and creating distance from them where necessary. We explore this, and how manipulation can sometimes be used by people who have a dependency or addiction, in our article on managing difficult relationship dynamics when supporting someone with an addiction. Connecting with people who will understand your situation, like a trusted friend, others in a support group, or through calling an advisory organisation, can help you process feelings of guilt, and to feel more confident and resilient.
The shame of addiction
Shame arises when we feel unworthy and embarrassed, believing that something is deeply wrong with us or someone we care about. People who support someone with an addiction might often feel ashamed. They might worry about what others will think if they find out, and feel afraid of being judged. Feeling shame can lead to people cutting themselves off from others and feeling isolated, and it can prevent them from seeking support when they need it.
Processing and addressing feelings of shame
If you find yourself feeling shame, or any other difficult emotion due to supporting someone with an addiction, gently working to accept that when it comes to addiction, no one can Cause it, Control it or Cure it, (Al-Anon’s Three Cs), can help. Talking about shame with others in your support network or those in a similar situation can also help you to realise you’re not alone and remember that you have nothing to feel shame about. Taking a deep breath and telling yourself the truth that you are doing the best you can in an extremely challenging situation can also support you to feel better.
What is stigma and why is there a stigma around addiction?
Stigma refers to the negative attitudes and beliefs society holds towards other people or groups of people based on who they are, what they might look like or what they are doing. Stigma can lead to discrimination, judgement, and people feeling marginalised or excluded. People with a dependency and their families can often experience stigma from others who believe that drugs or certain behaviours are morally wrong, or that they should just ‘snap out of it’.
Stigma can make feelings of guilt and shame worse and prevent people from seeking the help and support they deserve. Sometimes people who support someone who has a dependency might pretend nothing is going on. They might try to hide what is happening because they don’t want other people to think badly of the person they care about, and don’t want others to act differently with them because of the stigma associated with dependency and addiction.
Ways to help manage and challenge stigma
The good news is that attitudes towards addiction and dependency are changing, perhaps because 45% of UK adults are directly or indirectly affected by addiction (The Forward Trust 2023) and people are beginning to realise that all those affected need support, not stigma.
People who judge those with an addiction and their families are sometimes coming from a lack of knowledge or fear, and remembering this can also help you remain calmer and not take prejudice and stigmatising behaviour as personally. Developing your own knowledge of addiction through educating yourself by seeking support from supportive organisations (many of which have been set up and are staffed by experts who have been through addiction and dependency themselves) can be very empowering.
Simply talking about addiction with those who want to support you and understand your situation can also help you to be more aware and conscious of the words you use, and the words you would like others to use. If someone uses an unhelpful word or term, you might gently explain how it makes you feel, and suggest a more useful and empowering phrase.
If it feels right, having lived and learned through one of the experiences you might one day be able to share your story and the useful lessons you’ve gained, and perhaps support others in the process.
Feeling complex emotions, like guilt, shame and others you might experience as you support someone with an addiction can be difficult to deal with at times, and our guide to managing difficult emotions might also be a helpful resource for you to explore.