If you are caring for someone who is at the end of their life, you may be involved in the conversations with family and friends. These conversations can be emotionally challenging but are an important part of preparing people for what comes next, especially children.
It may not be easy to know how to talk to a child about death and dying, especially if they are young or never experienced loss before. Here we share some effective ways to prepare children for the death of a family member or friend and provide them with the tools they need to navigate the difficult experience of loss.
Should we tell a child that someone is dying?
Some people might ask, ‘Should we even tell a child that someone is dying?’ but children are highly perceptive, picking up on atmospheres and cues from the adults around them, and will be able to sense when something significant is happening within the family. Setting aside time to talk with them in age-appropriate conversations, using clear, factual and simple language that they can understand may ultimately support them to cope better when death does take place.
During these conversations, it can sometimes feel easier to use softer language like ‘We’re going to lose.…’ or ‘They are going to pass on…’ or ‘They are going to sleep…’, but speaking like this can create confusion, especially for younger children, because it suggests a temporary state that could be changed. However difficult it might be to say it, it’s important a child knows that death is a permanent change, and whilst they will have photographs, letters and their memories, they won’t be seeing this person again after they have died.
It might help to think about what you will say beforehand so you are prepared to explain the situation as calmly as you can. You might reassure them that it is natural to feel lots of different feelings at a big time like this, and that you are feeling those things too. What you choose to say will depend on the age of the child, what they already know of death, and perhaps the religious or spiritual beliefs of your family. If they have already been through the death of someone they knew, you might use that experience as a way to help them understand.
By telling a child that someone who is close to them is dying, you are giving them an opportunity to say goodbye in the way that is right for them. There are some very helpful resources designed to help children understand the concept of death and support them to recognise what is happening with their emotions. Depending on the age of the child, it might be helpful to explore some of these books, videos, and online content together.
Encouraging the child or children to talk to you about how they are feeling, perhaps using drawings, writing or dancing their feelings out will help them to stay emotionally healthy during this emotional time. It might also be a comfort to have someone you and the child trust with you when you have the initial conversation. This will then give the child someone else to talk to going forward, and that person can also offer support, relieving you of taking on all the responsibility yourself.
Encouraging and managing questions
Children may have many questions about death, and so it can be important to create a safe space which allows them to be curious, and ask questions like, ‘What happens to a dead body?’, ‘What happens at a funeral?’, ‘Does a dead person feel pain? Or ‘If I’m really good, will that stop them dying?’. By encouraging your child to ask these questions, they are talking and processing their emotions, and you will gain their trust and they will feel safe and secure during this time of change. They may ask questions you do not have the answer to, and you will not be expected to be able to answer all their questions. If you don't know the answer to a question, be open and perhaps trying to find out the information together can help them to feel more included.
By making sure they feel comfortable to ask questions, perhaps having the same conversation many times, and by checking their understanding of certain things you’ve talked about, you will be helping the child to process the concept of death and to express their feelings as they come to terms with the reality of the situation in their own way.
Supporting children through the dying process
Where possible, involving children in the process of saying goodbye to the friend or family member who is at the end of their life can help bring some closure, helping them to understand that they will not see the person again. It can also help to create positive memories for the children to remember after the person has gone. Spending quality time together, sharing stories, and enjoying activities like making a special video or creating a memory box, can help children feel a sense of continuity after the death of the person close to them. By supporting them to create positive memories, you are also helping them to be able to associate positive feelings of love and warmth with the person they care about, even in the midst of feeling all the other difficult emotions that will naturally arise after their death.
As they try to prepare for the death of someone they care about, children will find reassurance and comfort in structure and familiar routine. You can support them by keeping to their regular schedules and activities, offering them a sense of consistency during a difficult period of change and uncertainty.
Children are more able than most adults to express and process what they are going through if they are given the space to do that. All thoughts, emotions and feelings are natural and healthy, including feelings of anger, sadness, abandonment and betrayal.
Children may experience any of these at different times as part of their own important grieving process, sometimes crying and sometimes perfectly relaxed and happy, which may be difficult for others around them to understand. However, if your child is experiencing prolonged distress or showing unusual behaviours, your GP or health team should be able to connect you with counsellors experienced in working with children who can then provide additional tools and strategies to help them cope with their emotions.
Seeking support for yourself
Preparing children for the loss of a family member or friend is a delicate task, and will never feel easy, especially when you are already managing your own feelings. Creating networks of support for yourself during such a challenging time is important, and will also mean you are more able to support others around you. Understanding your own grieving process will also help you support others through theirs, and our articles on understanding grief and managing difficult emotions may be useful resources for you at this time.
You don’t have to go through this alone, and your GP will be able to advise you about talking therapies and support groups available in your area or online. If the person you are caring for is receiving hospice care or palliative care at home, the teams involved may also be able to offer counselling and support to you as a family.
Although the death of a friend or family member will always be difficult for a child to cope with, your support will help them to navigate this experience in the most healthy and positive way possible, able to feel whatever comes up and recognising that death is part of life, even if it is terribly hard to have to say goodbye to someone.