For parents of children with additional needs, the journey through puberty can present huge physical, emotional, and social challenges. However, there are some things you can do as a parent to support someone through this transition from childhood into the next phase of their life to be as positive as possible for your child, and yourself. Here are some ideas, including practical tips from other parent carers who have been through this, to support you and your child.
Every parent’s experience of talking to their child will be different depending on their level of understanding. However, when starting to talk about puberty, a useful first place for many parents has been body parts and physical changes. When speaking to other parent carers, they said that using the correct names for body parts and discussing bodily functions honestly when your child is young can make it easier to talk about things when their body begins to change at puberty.
Some children with additional needs experience real confusion and overwhelm at this stage due to fluctuating hormones and sudden changes to the look or feel of their own bodies. For some conversations on puberty such as periods, personal hygiene and masturbation, visual aids can be a helpful tool to illustrate what these changes might look like. Using other people’s experiences, like an older sibling growing a moustache, a family friend’s pregnancy or even a scenario on TV, as a spark to conversations about bodily changes and relationships can also make their own changes seem more normal.
Having natural conversations with your child about the changes they could expect to experience based on their level of understanding, can help them to feel reassured that what they are going through is a normal part of their journey to becoming an adult. Having discussions about puberty can be seen as an opportunity to nurture the child’s confidence and self-advocacy skills. Being able to communicate their needs and preferences is vital for any child, and role-playing scenarios to practise explaining their feelings or asking for help is a practical way to support your child at this time.
If your child attends school, it might be useful to find out in advance what their policies are for educating their students on bodily changes, emotions, relationships and sexuality so you can supplement this in the way that feels most appropriate for you and your child.
Supporting your child with a new personal care routine
As your child’s body begins to change, you might be starting to make changes to their personal care routine. Showering more often, wearing deodorant and shaving are just some of the changes to personal care which start during puberty. For some children with additional needs, these changes can be difficult to adjust to. One helpful way to encourage children to be involved in this process is to allow them to choose their own toiletries or making an event of buying ‘grown up’ stuff as a way to help get them excited about a new routine.
During puberty some young adults may want to become more independent with their personal care. In these situations, the relationship between you and your child may change and new boundaries will form, like knocking before entering their private room and asking permission before carrying out personal care. If they would like to be more independent but still need support, it may be that care could be provided in a different way with certain aids and equipment to give them more privacy and independence.
When thinking about the physical changes that take place during puberty, as a parent there are also changes in feelings and behaviours. When it is age appropriate you may find you need to talk about things like:
- Feelings about others
- How to know if someone likes them
- Sexual feelings
- Wet dreams
- Masturbation
- Personal hygiene
This will be tailored to your child and their level of understanding. There are books and resources you could use to support these conversations as well as seeking some support from the childs school on what is appropriate to talk about and how to have those discussions. These conversations could also follow on from talks that will take place at both primary and secondary schools as a part of the national curriculum.
As a child transitions into being an adult, the boundaries they have with family and friends can change. Sometimes these changes can be subtle and happen over time but for children with additional needs, it may be important to talk about what behaviours are appropriate and what ones are now inappropriate. When your child is maturing and going through puberty there are certain behaviours that are going to no longer be appropriate, behaviours like tickling, playfighting, sitting on laps and kissing that although some of these may have been acceptable while the child was young are now going to be seen as not appropriate. This goes alongside talking to your child about behaviours that are acceptable in public and private places, for example managing frustration when in public is different for an older child as opposed to a younger child.
When thinking about boundaries, parent carers share that they wanted their child to feel confident in their changing body and able to express themselves and their emerging sexuality in ways that felt safe and appropriate. For those who have the capacity to understand sexual feelings, understanding consent, the difference between public and private spaces, and promoting positive age-appropriate physical contact will be important, especially as this is the stage when talk of boyfriends and girlfriends will come up. Discussing appropriate physical contact will be important, not just with boyfriends and girlfriends but with anyone, so ensuring your child understands about private parts and privacy. Perhaps using The NSPCC Talking PANTS campaign to share with children the message that the body parts covered by underwear is private.
Learning about relationships and sexuality is a lifelong process. There are so many influences around your child, all sending many different messages. As a parent, you are perfectly placed to support your child by making sure that the sources of information they are exposed to and the conversations you are having are clear, healthy and positive.
Understanding the emotional impact of puberty
This will be a time of big emotions, so supporting your child to identify their emotions and allowing space for them to express how they are feeling will be helpful, encouraging your child to talk with you whenever they want to, whilst also respecting their need for privacy at times. Finding ways that are right for you and your child will be key of course, and some parent carers say that getting outside, being able to make a noise, listening to particular music or writing in a journal can all be useful strategies - for them, as well as their child.
Your child going through puberty and transitioning into adulthood is a significant time in your family's unique journey and will of course bring up many thoughts and questions about the future, and how that might look for your child. Our article on transitioning into adulthood may be useful to read.
Supporting yourself
Supporting your child with additional needs through puberty isn’t all on you, though some parent carers can feel this at times. You can seek advice at any time from your child’s healthcare team, GP or health visitor, and they may be able to signpost you to support groups and useful workshops.
It’s not only your child who is changing, but your relationship as their parent too, and some parent carers say that they were surprised at the feelings and emotions this stage brought up for them. Finding a support group where you can share any emotions that might be coming up for you, as well as learning from others’ experiences, might be the perfect way to ensure you stay balanced and strong during this time.
It’s important to remember that your own wellbeing is vital. The more you feel supported, relaxed and confident as your child goes through puberty, the smoother this transition will be. Our article on managing difficult emotions might also be of help.
Prioritising your own self-care is something that many parent carers need reminding to do, and if you recognise this as being an area you would like to focus on more intentionally as you support your child going through puberty, our article on looking after your wellbeing as a carer might be just what you need.