Ashley has been caring for his wife Debbie, who has been diagnosed with autism, depression and anxiety, for 12 – 13 years. He shares how finding Carers First has given him the chance to explore career opportunities that both work around his caring role and fulfil his need to challenge himself and stay occupied.
Ashley was in full-time employment, working in the civil service and air force, when he was discharged due to his new caring role that required his full attention and time. He shares how he went through a process of grief after being in the sector for 25/30 years, and having a set routine, with regular socialisation with friends and colleagues. This negatively affected his social life and left him feeling uncertain about what he could do next.
Since gaining the support of social services, Ashley’s wife now receives 14 hours a week of assistance, enabling him to have time to himself. He spoke about how staying engaged in hobbies, learning new skills and broadening his career aspects gives him great fulfillment, as he enjoys new challenges. Initially, it was difficult trying to find employment in a role where Ashley could still be at home most of the time to care for his wife, who is mostly housebound and suffers with panic attacks. He told us that, “during a meeting at a Carers First evening coffee group around 15/16 months ago, someone suggested becoming an online English teacher. Hannah (from the Lincolnshire Team) helped to receive funding for the course, with a qualification diploma to teach English to foreign language students.”
Having been with Carers First for 8 years, Ashley had not previously gone to many events. He shares that he was aware of it for years, and finally gained the confidence to go to one:
“I need to do this group just for myself, “just from two meetings, I’ve changed my entire career. I was reluctant to go at first, but they can be very beneficial. It’s your time to ask questions as a group to help each other out, with a trained professional from Carers First, and support each other.”
With the support of Carers First, Ashley now works from home as a Japanese/English teacher, a role that allows him to carry out his caring responsibilities and satisfy his desire to try new things and achieve his personal and career goals. He has felt a great sense of increased self-worth and enjoys building his skills. While he is pleased to have secured a remote job that works for both him and his wife, Ashley also really benefits from keeping a balance of going out and meeting people, and it’s very important to him that he retains this aspect of life, regardless of his caring role.
Ashley had a difficult time trying to find the right support initially, and was even denied help for his caring role, “I had to go through forms and get rejections to do with benefits, which was tough. My life completely stopped and it put me into a spiral. As a carer, I have prioritised my wife’s needs over my own, which has directly affected my own health and access to medical/dental care. Over recent years, I have had to organise my own ‘at home’ blood tests to monitor my health and arrange for a mobile dentist to provide checkups and a rather painful tooth extraction! Arranging these home services also comes at a premium.”
Something that many carers can relate to is struggling to receive the support that they need, as well as the person they care for. Ashley offers valuable advice to those going through this, “You have to be very guarded and knowledgeable to your entitlements and rights. You have to go through so many doors of no, no, and no to get support.” Advocating for yourself as a carer is the hardest, but most important thing you can do.
He goes on to say, “Since I’ve fought for the case, we’ve received a supportive adult network of carers that come in five times a week. It’s given us an extra dimension of conversation [between Ashley and his wife].”
Ashley first received a Carer’s Assessment two years into caring for his wife, and since then he has had annual checks to monitor his own mental health. He has also received funding with qualifications for gardening, RHS Level 2, a highly distinguished course in horticulture. Gardening is one of his passions, and he feels incredibly grateful to have been given the opportunity and funding from Carers First to continue his hobby. In addition to photography courses, which he has been enjoying.
Whilst Ashley prefers a structured routine in life and plans his days as much as possible, he acknowledges that caring for someone can often turn your world upside down, and affect your plans at times:
“caring has taught me that plans you’ve made mean nothing. Initially, that was very frustrating – it was a dynamic outside of my control.”
He has learnt not to overload the day by scheduling a lot of events, taking it one day at a time.
He has devised a system by which he can continue his caring responsibilities, whilst retaining some control, thus helping his own mental health and wellbeing,
“The caring element is the priority, by being casual with it we can calm the crisis at times. If circumstances aren’t correct one day, and if it is not life threatening, it can wait. You need to define what is essential, what is desirable. Such as, sufficient sleep, exercise and routine, healthy diet, anything else is desirable to include.”
Ashley has strong views on what changes can be made to improve the support for carers, he believes that the Carer’s Allowance eligibility criteria part-time study limit of 21 hours per week should be increased. As well as tax-free allowance for carers, he would like agencies to support carers rather than denying them equal care.
Ashley is a determined individual, who strives to grow his skills, whilst caring full-time for his wife. His story is incredibly encouraging and acts as an inspiration to other carers hoping to achieve their personal goals.
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