When caring for someone, the relationship you have with them can change, and this can feel different and potentially be difficult to come to terms with, especially if it’s happened suddenly, because of an illness or accident.
The boundaries between your role and your relationship can become blurred, with the practical care taking over the companionship. But just because you’ve become someone’s carer, doesn’t mean you don’t still have a relationship with them. You may have been their partner, spouse, daughter, son, relative or friend for many years and nothing can change that.
When you are caring for someone who is older and frail, it’s important that the caring role is sustainable, and enjoyable. Caring for someone who is older can continue for many years, so it’s important to take time for yourself, as well as spending quality time with them when you can put your carer role to one side.
Here we would like to share with you some suggested ways on maintaining a positive relationship with the person you are supporting, and those who may also be supporting your caring role.
As the person you are supporting becomes older and frailer, it is likely you’ll be taking on more household tasks, as well as supporting them to move around, in and out of the home.
One way to help the relationship feel more like a partnership is to encourage the person to be as independent as they can be. That will be different from person to person, but could look like them helping with dusting, planning meals, chopping up vegetables at a kitchen table or looking after indoor plants. Even if the person can’t complete a whole task, doing part of it can help to maintain some independence, confidence, and self-esteem.
If you are also older and the caring role becomes too challenging, it may be helpful to delegate some of the physical or practical tasks to a family member, friend, or paid carer. Getting support can help to make the role more manageable, meaning you will be able to care for longer. We would also suggest completing a Needs Assessment with your local Adult Social Services team to discuss equipment and services that are available to support the person with the additional needs.
You can read more about this in: ‘How to introduce paid care’ ‘Occupational therapy assessments’.
Becoming a carer can bring up a range of emotions – and all of them are okay. You might be feeling worried, resentful, and even angry, while the person you care for may be feeling guilty or frustrated at not being able to care for themselves. If you are caring for a parent, you may be facing a power reversal that’s difficult for you both to adjust to.
It can be helpful to give yourself time and space to acknowledge and face the changes in your lives and roles. Over time, you may even find you become closer to the person you are caring for. You can read more about this in: ‘How your relationships can change when you become a carer’.
As the person needs increasing levels of care, they may need help with bathing, washing or other personal care. This can make some people feel embarrassed and vulnerable, and finding ways to maintain their dignity is very important. It might be that you both decide you aren’t happy to give that level of care, in which case you may like to consider paid support, if that’s an option.
Many older people feel lonely and isolated, especially if they are unable to get out and about often or are unable to do the activities they previously enjoyed. If that’s the case, the person you care for may be relying on you more and more for companionship.
It can be helpful to encourage and support the person to be part of the community, through finding a new activity, joining a social group or having regular contact with family and friends. We share some ideas about how to do that in: ‘Helping someone who is older and frail to stay connected to their community’.
If it feels like your caring role is overtaking your relationship, you might find it helpful to take specific time to separate the two. For example, you could choose an activity to do together, like watching a film, and consciously focus on just spending time together. While that can be easier said than done, it might help you both to reconnect with each other and enjoy aspects of each other’s company that might get lost in the pressure of day-to-day care.
To be able to care for the person longer-term, it’s really important to look after yourself well.
When you’re caring for someone, it can be easy to put your own needs on the backburner. But it’s crucial to take care of your own health conditions and needs, making sure you attend any appointments and going to the GP if you have concerns. You need to be healthy and well yourself, if you’re to be able to take care of the person too.
Some carers say how helpful it is to build exercise into their week. As well as keeping you physically fit, it can be enjoyable and sociable. Similarly, it’s important to spend time away to do the things you enjoy. If you’re able to spend some time relaxing, you’ll have more energy and resilience for your caring role.
We talk more about this in: ‘Looking after yourself as a carer’.
There may be things that you, or the person you care for, are not comfortable with you doing. For example, you might like to think about having paid carers support you if you or the person you care for feels uncomfortable about you washing them. That’s completely understandable and it can be very helpful to have open conversations about boundaries, early on. Talking honestly can help you both to feel more confident and comfortable.
It may also be helpful to talk about what will happen if the person isn’t able to live independently any more, and what steps they would like to happen if that time comes. This can be a difficult subject to introduce, but the earlier you can talk about it, the better. It can take the pressure off having to make important discussions in an emergency, and is a good idea in case the person you care for is suddenly no longer able to make decisions for themselves.
Supporting someone who is older and frail to make positive decisions
Online Help and Advice
Visit our online support section where we have provided advice and guidance on a range of relevant topics to help you in your caring role.