Addiction and dependency can cause behaviours that affect not only the person with the addiction, but also thosearound them, and if you are caring for someone with an addiction or dependency, life can often feel unpredictable and unsettled at times.
For those caring for someone who is going through recovery, person with the addictionwill be in different stages of what is called ‘the cycle of change’ at different times, and here we explore how you can recognise these stages so you can look after yourself practically and emotionally, especially when things are tough.
Understanding the different stages of addiction
The cycle of change describes a process that people go through before they are able to make a significant change in their lives. Anyone can follow the cycle of change, but it can be especially helpful to people who have an addiction once they begin to consider seeking support.
Being aware of the stages of the cycle can empower people affected by addiction to understand what might be going on at different times. Here it can help you support yourself as you navigate the ups and downs that are part of caring for someone with an addiction.
The cycle of change
The cycle of change has 6 stages that someone with an addiction will enter at different times in the recovery journey. There is no linear order to this journey, and often someone will go through the cycle several times, dropping in and out of different stages.
Stage 1 is called pre-contemplation which means the person with the addiction is not considering change at all. They may not think they have a problem, even if those around them do.
Stage 2 is contemplation, when the person with the addiction begins to recognise they may have a problem, and begins to consider changing things.
Stage 3 is preparation, and is when the person with the addiction decides to make a change and begins to prepare for that, perhaps by seeking support or removing themselves from triggering situations.
Stage 4 is action, when the person with the addiction takes practical steps to support themselves to cut down or to stop engaging in certain behaviours entirely.
Stage 5 is maintenance, when the person is able to maintain the changes they have made.
Stage 6 involves lapse (when someone briefly returns to old behaviours but is quite quickly able to return to the maintenance stage) and relapse (when someone lapses, and finds it more difficult to regain maintenance).
It can be helpful to know that lapse and relapse can be a necessary part of someone’s recovery process, as they come to realise that it is vital to make changes in all aspects of their lives to ensure their mindset, actions and social networks are supportive of their recovery.
As someone who may be caring for someone with a dependency or addiction, it is most important that your own wellbeing is your priority at all stages of this cycle.
Recognising how you respond
Recognising how you feel in different situations and giving yourself space to feel the difficult emotions and feelings that can come up along the way will be key to you maintaining your own wellbeing. Acknowledging how you respond to certain behaviours and being aware of other approaches you might try can help you feel more empowered to have a healthy and positive relationship with the person you care for. The most positive and helpful support you can offer at any stage is to let the person you care for know that you are there to help when they are ready to make a change, and in the meantime to have clear boundaries in place that support you. Our article on ways of responding to behaviours related to addiction might also be a useful resource for you.
Steps you can take to look after yourself if someone’s addiction becomes unmanageable
Our article on ways you might be impacted by someone’s dependency or addiction, that covers the physical, emotional, social, financial and legal aspects, may be useful.
Supporting someone with a dependency or addiction can be emotionally draining, and in order to safeguard your own health and wellbeing, it’s important you recognise the impact such an experience will be having on you. Like others in similar situations, you will likely experience a wide range of intense emotions, like sadness, guilt, resentment, anger, and helplessness.
You may have tried to work out why this has happened, and felt confused and frustrated because there don’t seem to be any answers that make sense. You might feel shame sometimes, and feel isolated and lonely, not wanting to share what’s going on for fear of others’ judgement or lack of understanding. Because people with an addiction can often behave in extremely challenging ways, at times there might be lies, broken promises or manipulation going on that can cause you to feel let down and betrayed. Addiction can also cause people to be unpredictable and volatile. Depending on where they are in the cycle of change, they may be moody, irritable or aggressive which can create tension and a feeling of instability and of being constantly ‘on alert’ for those around them.
If you are affected by someone’s addiction, it can be sometime before you realise or can acknowledge what is going on, or the impact this heightened stress and anxiety is actually having on your physical, emotional and mental health.
The best way to support yourself at any stage is to know that you don’t have to go through this in alone, and that there is help available to you so you can process these feelings and emotions, and to put practical steps in place to protect your own physical, emotional, financial and legal wellbeing.
Our article on boundaries and creating distance may be a useful resource for you.
It is extremely challenging to be affected by someone’s dependency or addiction, and the first step to accessing support for yourself is acknowledging that you deserve help.
Talking with trusted friends, family members or support groups, either in-person or online, can be a huge help. Being around people who can offer understanding and empathy as you share your story will help you to feel heard and understood. You don’t have to go through this experience alone. Online resources and helplines can provide valuable information and guidance. Seeking professional help from your GP, or from therapists or counsellors who specialise in supporting the family and friends of those who have an addiction or dependency, can also be a great help.
If you have been managing the ups and downs of someone’s addiction alone up till now, it can be hard to know where to start or who to turn to. We’ve created a resource called ways to create a broader support network when affected by someone’s dependency to help you take those first steps.