Telling friends and family
When someone you’ve been caring for dies, you may be responsible for telling friends and family. When you are already dealing with your own emotions, the experience of telling others and holding space for them as they take in the news can be extra challenging. Here are some practical approaches you might use to support yourself, depending on the situation.
Certain friends and family may have known for a while that the person you have been caring for is expected to die soon, but there may be other people who are not aware; telling them what is going on in advance where possible can prepare them and prevent you having to deal with their shock at the most difficult time.
When you tell someone, you might want to encourage them to sit down as you have some sad news to share with them, this will reduce any distractions around you and allow them a moment to prepare themselves to listen to what you will share with them.
It can sometimes seem kinder to use terms like ‘passed on’ or ‘gone to sleep’, but this can create confusion. Using simple language to tell people that someone you’ve cared for has died will ensure you are clear and they understand what has happened; this is especially important if you have to tell a child or someone with additional needs.
It might be that you have a close friend or family member that you tell first, and they then become responsible for letting others know. This is one way that you might allow others to support you as you deal with your own feelings and are also having to focus on making other necessary arrangements.
Our article on preparing children for the death of a family member or friend might also be of help.
Procedures to follow when someone you care for dies
In the UK there are specific legal steps and procedures to follow when someone dies. When someone dies, the doctor will issue you with a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD). The MCCD is an important document which is needed to register the death and must take place within 5 days of the death.
If the death is unexpected or the cause of death is unknown, the doctor is required to inform the coroner and a post-mortem examination may be required. The coroner’s office will then guide you through what happens next.
When you attend an appointment at your local register office, you’ll meet the registrar in person who will then issue you with a death certificate, for which there is a cost of around £11. It can be helpful to purchase extra copies for when you inform certain companies and institutions, like the bank and utility providers. You will also receive a certificate of registration (BD8) form for the Department of Work and Pensions, and a certificate for burial or cremation (this is sometimes called a ‘green form’).
A copy of the death certificate will be needed if you have been named the ‘administrator’ or ‘executor’ of the will and will be managing the financial affairs of the person who has died, also known as their ‘estate’. The term ‘estate’ includes cash and money in bank accounts, shares, as well as any property and personal possessions.
Planning for cremation, burial, funerals and memorials
Once you have received the death certificate, you are likely to be tasked with organising practical arrangements. The person you were caring for may have been very clear about their wishes for what they wanted to happen after they die, or it might be left to you to decide what feels best. The traditional funeral is one option, another might include being supported by an independent funeral director and opting for a ‘green’ burial led by an independent celebrant. It’s important to remember that there is no one ‘right’ way to go about acknowledging someone’s death, and you are always able to choose how a ceremony or memorial will look and feel.
When you speak to the registrar and receive the death certificate, they might talk to you about the Tell Us Once service. The Tell Us Once service will make sure that any agencies and departments who need to know will be informed. These agencies include HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC), Department for Work and Pensions (DWP), the Passport Office, and the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA). The Tell Us Once service will also contact the local council, Veterans UK and Social Security Scotland, where appropriate and some public sector pension schemes so that they can cancel future pension payments. HMRC and DWP will then also be able to contact you about any tax, benefits and entitlements relating to the person you have been caring for.
Alongside the Tell Us Once Service, banks, utility companies, and landlords or housing associations will need to be informed too. Once you have copies of the death certificate you can do this in writing, or online.
When someone you’ve been caring for dies, they may also be leaving a digital legacy in the form of social media and email accounts. You can choose to leave their accounts open, or memorialise them, which leaves the accounts available but inactive. The third option is to close and delete their accounts. Information on how to deal with someone’s digital legacy is available on each of the individual social media websites.
If your right to live in the UK has depended on your relationship with the person who died, you might need to apply for a new visa. You can check whether this applies to you on the Government website.
When someone you have been caring for dies, it’s important to make sure you are receiving the correct benefits and support. By informing the HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) and Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) of your change in circumstances, they can re-assess your entitlement for you. However, if you were receiving Carer’s Allowance this will usually continue for eight weeks after the person has died, unless you are 65 or over when you will be entitled to receive this indefinitely. Other means-tested benefits might also continue for up to eight weeks, and in some circumstances Universal Credit payments can continue after the person you have been caring for has died. For more information, and to find out if you may be entitled to financial help, our article on Financial Support will be useful.
There are many practical areas to focus on after someone you care for dies, but most important is to ensure that you feel emotionally supported during this challenging time, and beyond.
It’s natural to feel all different emotions when someone dies, including feeling numb, as if you are not feeling anything at all. Talking with trusted family and friends can help, and certain peer support groups, where others have also experienced bereavement, are spaces you will be able to feel welcomed and understood.
Grief is a challenging and ongoing process, and if you are finding it difficult to cope, your GP will be able to suggest professional support. Bereavement counselling services might be available in your area, and support from the National Bereavement Service is available online. Our articles on managing difficult emotions and dealing with Carer’s Grief may also be a good place to start.