Caring for someone who is battling addiction can take a toll on your mental, emotional and physical state. As a carer, it’s common to feel like you have to take on the sole responsibility to be there for that person, but there are ways to get support. This is Mariam’s story caring for her ex-husband.
Mariam is a carer for her ex-husband, who she has been separated from for five years. Although they are no longer together after many years of marriage, she feels a moral and emotional responsibility to continue to care for him through his ill health and alcohol addiction. Part of Mariam’s daily role as a carer is to do the cleaning, washing, administrative jobs, and take her ex-husband to hospital. He is currently in sheltered accommodation and has other carers who come in each day to administer medication. Despite the extra support, Mariam still feels the emotional weight of caring for her ex-husband, who is verbally abusive and often reluctant to accept her help.
Mariam expresses how, even when she is not physically there, she is always in her caring role, “I can’t be there every day, so we talk on the phone. It’s frustrating as he doesn’t like to be told what to do to help his health. He would get very aggressive. He says things to make me very upset and worried, but I still carry on. At the end of the day, it’s to do with caring and I feel responsible emotionally.”
A difficult part of being a carer is knowing when and how to set healthy boundaries to ensure that you are also prioritising your needs and to avoid emotional exhaustion and burnout. This is something that Mariam has gradually learned to accept, as she shares how setting boundaries and switching off has allowed her to enjoy her life as well.
“I’ve learned through the challenges, I was neglecting myself all my time and energy was going to him. I became ill as well; I was referred to carers association which gave me tips on coping and boundaries. I learned how to share the responsibility.”
Now that Mariam truly appreciates the importance of taking time for yourself as a carer, she has opened up to experiencing a range of different activities to help take her mind off her role. She loves to see her friends and go out, and even joined a book club local to her. She also enjoys days out with her daughter, who encourages her to find things to do and plans days out for the pair of them.
Reaching out to carer organisations has also helped her to find free and accessible days out that she might not have heard of otherwise, like the Sky Garden in London which she is looking forward to!
Finding the time for a full or part-time job whilst being a carer can be almost impossible at times, as Mariam feels is the case for her due to how demanding her caring role can be 24/7. Having had a multitude of careers in her working life, including being a chef, working in the Ministry of Defence, teaching, she admits to missing working. Mariam would love to eventually return to working with children as she shares how it is a passion of hers and is looking into possible volunteer options with nearby nurseries.
Mariam is thankful to have a support network of family and friends in her life, who help out when they can. She wants people to know that, “as a carer I have little carers, like my children, who play a role in caring. They are extended family carers. They contribute a lot and they have to be recognised. They visit, socialise, take the person out for walks, shopping, lunch. As carers, we can’t do everything on our own, it’s always better and easier with that little bit of support.”
She wishes to tell people how they can help the carers in their lives, “Help your neighbour who you know is a carer, share meals, talk to them.”
Mariam expressed to us how important it was to share her story, having endured physical and verbal abuse for many years, she never felt that she had the opportunity to do so until now. Reading one of the carer stories on the Carers First website inspired her to share her own experiences,
“I saw a story on the website and thought it’s time to tell my story, so I contacted Carers First. I found caring for an abusive husband embarrassing, now I feel I can share all these stories because a lot of carers do go through that situation.”
Mariam’s story is one of true resilience, strength and bravery. Her kindness and determination to care for her ex-husband regardless of their separation and everything she has been through is admirable, and sheds light on the many carers who can relate to her experiences.
If you have a story you would like to share, to help other carers going through similar situations, get in touch with our team.
Click here to find out about the support we offer at Carers First.
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