If you are caring for someone who has an addiction, your experience can feel unpredictable and unstable at times, and you may find yourself having to navigate lots of ups and downs. If the person you care for has chosen to make a change in their life and is working towards their recovery, it can feel difficult if they ‘relapse’ or start using or engaging in addictive behaviours again. Here we explore what relapse is, and offer practical support for you if you are affected in any way by the incredibly challenging experience of addiction and relapse.
If someone with an addiction has been able to maintain a period of not engaging in addictive behaviours or using substances, they are said to be ‘in recovery’ or the ‘maintenance’ stage of the change cycle of addiction. If someone chooses to use a substance or engage in addictive behaviours after a period of maintenance, this is called a ‘lapse’.
A lapse is a one-off or temporary situation and means that the person is able to get back on track quickly, entering into the maintenance stage again without their lapse causing too much difficulty or chaos for themselves and those around them. If someone has a lapse but then stays in this stage, resuming problematic behaviours for a longer term, this is a relapse. For more on addiction and the cycle of change, our article on looking after yourself when managing the ups and downs of someone’s addiction goes into more depth.
Relapse is part of the recovery process
The process of recovery from addiction is a complex one, and the journey from addiction to recovery doesn’t unfold in a neat, straight line. Sometimes it can look from the outside as if someone is taking a backward step but this is never really the case, because with every step they (along with everyone else around them) are learning something new about themselves, what they are dealing with, and what does and does not support them.
Everyone’s experience will be unique, but it can be very helpful to remember that relapse can be a very important part of someone’s recovery process. A relapse is not an easy part of the process for anyone affected, and brings with it all sorts of difficult emotions and feelings to deal with. However, experiencing relapse can cause someone to recognise what changes they will need to put in place in all aspects of their lives to ensure their thoughts, actions and their environment are all supportive of their recovery. Getting back on track after a relapse is always possible, and there is lots of expert support available for people who experience relapse when they are ready to seek it out.
It can be difficult to even think about the person you care for having a relapse, especially if they seem to be doing well in their recovery, but taking some time to consider how you could best prepare for such an experience can help you, and them, to feel more confident and supported.
The more you understand about addiction, the more reassured and empowered you will feel to handle any situation that arises, including relapse. Researching reputable sites and seeking information and advice from organisations and groups set up specifically to support those affected by addiction can help you to feel stronger and more prepared.
During a time when the person you care for feels more stable and is wanting to make changes, they may be receiving specialist support and treatment, and you might ask them if they would like your help as they develop a supportive action plan in collaboration with their team. This plan can provide the person you care for with structure, focus and accountability. It might outline goals and processes to support them in maintaining their resolve as they make changes, and include their personal triggers (like the people, places, situations, or emotions they identify as making them more vulnerable to making certain choices) and suggestions for dealing with those when they arise. Their plan can also include coping strategies, emergency contacts, and steps to take if a relapse occurs, and you might ask the person you care for if they would like to share their action plan with you so you can be as helpful as possible in ways that support them, and yourself, at every stage.
Being aware that relapse might occur also helps you to develop your own plan of support, so that you also recognise the steps you might take to look after yourself and your own wellbeing if someone you care for does experience a relapse.
A relapse can feel like an overwhelming experience for anyone affected by addiction. The person with the addiction can feel shame and guilt, and their self-esteem and confidence will be very low. They can feel as if they are powerless or ‘weak’, letting everyone down, and if left unexpressed these feelings can drive them further away from feeling able to change. Those who care for someone who is experiencing relapse can feel all sorts of emotions too. They might feel angry, frightened or helpless. They might wonder what they did wrong, feeling guilty, as if it might have been their fault in some way.
Whilst your own wellbeing must always be a priority, if you are caring for someone who is experiencing relapse, simply being aware that they may be feeling shame, guilt and self-hatred and will need time to process those feelings before they take any next steps can be helpful. Asking if they want to talk, and allowing them to share when they want to, without needing to offer solutions or advice at this point, can be positive.
When they are ready and have made a renewed decision to make a change, you might both make time to review any action plans they have made in the past, or you might offer to support them to create one at this point. This can be something you do together, or with the support of a health professional, and this can help you both to feel more confident as you look to the future.
You might remind the person you care for of the strength they have already shown so far, that they are the one in control of their recovery, and that there is help and support available for them whenever they are ready to ask for it.
Whilst you may be offering support if someone you care for is experiencing relapse, looking after yourself and maintaining clear boundaries of your own will be important. You may also find our article on support for people affected by someone’s addiction or dependency useful.
If you care for someone who experiences relapse, it can be helpful to remind yourself that relapse can be seen to be an important part of their recovery process. Whilst this might be difficult to believe in the midst of such a challenging time, it is true that this relapse may be a vital part of them coming to terms with the reality of their situation and ultimately encourage them to seek the support they might need to create real positive change.
The feelings of shame, guilt and hopelessness that might come up during a time of relapse may also be a response to the fact that some stigma associated with addiction and dependency still exists. These attitudes are changing however, as more and more people realise that addiction is an extremely complex experience, and that anyone affected by addiction deserves help, respect and support. The process of recovery can be a long and difficult one for everyone affected by addiction, and one that takes real courage to make hard decisions and take actions that can feel very difficult at times. It can also be helpful to keep in mind that lots of people who are now in recovery, who you might point to as people who are successfully managing their addiction, have at some point experienced relapse. There is hope and life beyond relapse, and recovery is possible for everyone. If you are caring for someone going through relapse, remembering that the fact that they are going through relapse is not a reflection of the quality of your care or support, or due to something you may have done, will be important, and our article on guilt, shame and stigma offers more support for you.
Looking after yourself if someone you care for is experiencing relapse
Caring for someone who is experiencing relapse can be draining and difficult, and so it will be more important than ever to prioritise your own self-care. Making sure you make time for yourself to rest, eat well and have the opportunity to process the difficult emotions that can arise during such a challenging time, will be vital to prevent stress from building up and affecting you long term.
You may already feel very isolated, unsure as to who you can turn to or what support there may even be available, and if the person you care for experiences a relapse, it can feel even more difficult and to stay connected to others who can support you, but this really will help you to maintain a greater sense of balance and wellbeing in your life.
Creating a strong network of support for yourself will be key to this. You might already be doing this before relapse occurs or it might be that the experience of relapse is what prompts you to reach out. It is never too early or too late to seek the help you deserve.
Your personal support network might include a trusted friend who can listen without judgement, or a GP, colleague, or teacher you can turn to in confidence. Sharing your experience with others who can understand what you’re going through within a peer support group or an organisation set up to support family and friends affected by addiction can also help.
There are lots of ways to reduce the feelings of isolation you might experience and to boost your sense of being part of a supportive community, and whilst it might seem daunting to reach out to others if you are affected by someone’s addiction and relapse, this will form an important part of your self-care. It is also something we can help you with here, in our article on building a support network when you are affected by someone else’s dependency or addiction.
If you are caring for someone who has an addiction, it will be essential to be able to set and maintain healthy boundaries to protect your own wellbeing. During a period of relapse, you may have to be even more conscious of having to re-establish certain boundaries or review what feels acceptable and manageable to you now. Our article on ways to set boundaries and create distance when affected by someone’s addiction offers more help and advice on this important area here.